Back in the Swing of It

AM Weigh in : 130. It's nice to see some of those lbs going away again. I can do this.

So today is the first day of a group diet over at PT. Today is a 500 cal day.

Last night I tried to do the 99 work-ut and got stuck. My whole body is sore this AM even though I didn't finish. I think this is my new anti-binge. I'll keel over and sleep before I'll eat.

It's so easy to relapse.  It's scary how quickly I can get back into the mindset where I don't mind C not being around for a few days because it gives me a few days of not-eating with impunity.

Heading to work soon. Stay safe tday lovelies.

Five Weeks of Recovery Later

And here I am.

130 lbs. A little wiser. A little stupider. Discharged from Walden for missing two days in a row due to work scheduling & rain that was so bad I wasn't going to drive in it.

Back on PT & starting to eyeball the scale.

AM noms:
Yoghurt & granola (180)
Hot Chocolate (90)

Working at a Sbux in town -- lots of cardio all day loooong. Nice to be back lads & ladies.

Also nommed:
1/3 bagel & cc (100)
tuna salad tin (80)
chicken tarragon sandwich w/o bread (200)
dinner: (100) roll, pulled pork (500), broccoli (20), pie (150)
milk (150)

1470 if I can add @ 2am. A "healthy" amount. I'm disappointed with myself. But tomorrow [later tday] I work 5:45 to 12 and will crash & sleep after that [less eating]

WTF?

Aren't I supposed to be in recovery?

I could have sworn that was what Partial was about.

Last night I took too many laxatives & shit out all those lovely nutrients and such they keep pumpin me full of @ Walden. Remind me at frequent intervals that I hate that because in the AM it feels great.

Well that's that I guess. Headed to Walden. Ready to be done there already.

Peace & Love

Recovery

Walden Partial -- Day 1.

Overwhelming. Came home & B/P'd -- I think I'm doing this wrong.

The amount of food - overwhelming. Not huge volume but too many calories. Twice my previous intake. Welp, going to give it a serious try because I have a job starting next Tuesday and I need to have things under enough control that I can focus at work.

Stay safe lovelies.

Gameover?

Roughest. Weekend. Ever.

Just finished my eval @ Walden and they want to put me in their PHP program. Uhhhhhh.

I want into their IOP, or at least, I did this morning but I don't have a treatment team [because I've been relapsing, duh!] and they won't take me without that.

Time to cry. Still haven't heard back about the job -- he said he'd let me know either way so it's not necessarily a bad sign yet. Epic headache.

Day Something or the Other - part 2

Weight? No clue.

Last night I terrified my partner, C, and my friend P. P & I were drinking, which we never should have done & I thought I needed something to settle my stomach. So I straight up ate peanut butter. Certainly not the first time I've done that, but the first time with someone else around.

So I drunkenly informed P that I was going to purge. Problem. He called C from my phone, had to pull me out of the shower a couple times. I was a godawful mess.

Have you seen the documentary about Renfrew - THIN? If so I'm sure you remember the part where Polly shares that she's inpatient because she tried to kill herself over 2 pieces of pizza. Ladies, I finally know what Polly feels like.  I think I need some help.

Recovery?!

Day Something or the Other

Weigh in: 120. I want to throw my scale out. 

I was thinking about recovery until I saw how lovely my ribs looked in the mirror this morning.

Fuck. 

Going to pick up P @ the airport. Coffee please?