Day 3

F today. Seriously.

Well yesterday went down the tubes when my partner C invited me to dinner. I got dolled up & looked cute as hell if I do say so myself, but I ended up having to actually eat dinner. That triggered today.

Today: binging and purging since 9 this morning. I give up on today. It's water for me for several days to make up for it I think.

I hate my ED. I hate that it makes me a liar. Last night C and I had a talk about my weight/eating. He's very supportive of me - because he thinks I'm in recovery. Last night I fessed up about how little I've been eating lately & his response was hard to hear. He says he doesn't want a stick & that he's starting to get worried. He says he can see my ribs, that I'm beginning to get a six pack, and that he really doesn't want me to lose any more weight.

All of this is great, right? Except that as I was telling him that I appreciate his support and that I don't want to lose any more weight either all I could think of was if I could purge the dinner I ate with him (500 cal), if he would even notice another 10 lbs of loss, and how long it would be until I could use the flu excuse again for throwing up at his apartment. C has been the icing on the cake as far as getting my life back together lately goes -- moving to Boston, finding work, meeting new people, etc. and all I can think about is how I can get away with eating a whole cake and throwing it up

And I'm ashamed as hell to be proud that I lost another pound. 129 lbs, bitches.