Back in the Swing of It

AM Weigh in : 130. It's nice to see some of those lbs going away again. I can do this.

So today is the first day of a group diet over at PT. Today is a 500 cal day.

Last night I tried to do the 99 work-ut and got stuck. My whole body is sore this AM even though I didn't finish. I think this is my new anti-binge. I'll keel over and sleep before I'll eat.

It's so easy to relapse.  It's scary how quickly I can get back into the mindset where I don't mind C not being around for a few days because it gives me a few days of not-eating with impunity.

Heading to work soon. Stay safe tday lovelies.

Five Weeks of Recovery Later

And here I am.

130 lbs. A little wiser. A little stupider. Discharged from Walden for missing two days in a row due to work scheduling & rain that was so bad I wasn't going to drive in it.

Back on PT & starting to eyeball the scale.

AM noms:
Yoghurt & granola (180)
Hot Chocolate (90)

Working at a Sbux in town -- lots of cardio all day loooong. Nice to be back lads & ladies.

Also nommed:
1/3 bagel & cc (100)
tuna salad tin (80)
chicken tarragon sandwich w/o bread (200)
dinner: (100) roll, pulled pork (500), broccoli (20), pie (150)
milk (150)

1470 if I can add @ 2am. A "healthy" amount. I'm disappointed with myself. But tomorrow [later tday] I work 5:45 to 12 and will crash & sleep after that [less eating]

WTF?

Aren't I supposed to be in recovery?

I could have sworn that was what Partial was about.

Last night I took too many laxatives & shit out all those lovely nutrients and such they keep pumpin me full of @ Walden. Remind me at frequent intervals that I hate that because in the AM it feels great.

Well that's that I guess. Headed to Walden. Ready to be done there already.

Peace & Love

Recovery

Walden Partial -- Day 1.

Overwhelming. Came home & B/P'd -- I think I'm doing this wrong.

The amount of food - overwhelming. Not huge volume but too many calories. Twice my previous intake. Welp, going to give it a serious try because I have a job starting next Tuesday and I need to have things under enough control that I can focus at work.

Stay safe lovelies.

Gameover?

Roughest. Weekend. Ever.

Just finished my eval @ Walden and they want to put me in their PHP program. Uhhhhhh.

I want into their IOP, or at least, I did this morning but I don't have a treatment team [because I've been relapsing, duh!] and they won't take me without that.

Time to cry. Still haven't heard back about the job -- he said he'd let me know either way so it's not necessarily a bad sign yet. Epic headache.

Day Something or the Other - part 2

Weight? No clue.

Last night I terrified my partner, C, and my friend P. P & I were drinking, which we never should have done & I thought I needed something to settle my stomach. So I straight up ate peanut butter. Certainly not the first time I've done that, but the first time with someone else around.

So I drunkenly informed P that I was going to purge. Problem. He called C from my phone, had to pull me out of the shower a couple times. I was a godawful mess.

Have you seen the documentary about Renfrew - THIN? If so I'm sure you remember the part where Polly shares that she's inpatient because she tried to kill herself over 2 pieces of pizza. Ladies, I finally know what Polly feels like.  I think I need some help.

Recovery?!

Day Something or the Other

Weigh in: 120. I want to throw my scale out. 

I was thinking about recovery until I saw how lovely my ribs looked in the mirror this morning.

Fuck. 

Going to pick up P @ the airport. Coffee please? 

Day 5

Weigh in: 125

Yesterday was interesting. It was the three-year anniversary of a friend's death [cancer].

Didn't eat until 6pm, walked 5 miles, ate a normalish [small] dinner with C [we switched days, which means I now have three or four days to fast and do as I please]. I told him about PT. He doesn't judge, which I appreciate, but gives me a bit of a hard time about everything.

We were sharing leftovers and I noticed he was matching my bite sizes. I ended up in giggles falling off the couch because it was hilarious to watch this muscled wrestler dude eating tiny bites of cabbage & ginger. :]

Also got a typewriter yesterday - for free! Woah! Carried that across town [heavy!] -- what great exercise! Maybe instead of taking a dog for a walk I'll take my typewriter out. What do you think?

So far today: handful of chocolate chips [oops :[ ]. Plan: lots of water to counteract the lovely bloating I have going on, lots of coffee, and a bit of bread and hummus before my job interview so I'm not jittery. Cross your fingers for me -- I'm going to be a barista!

Day 4

Yesterday was a complete wash.

Weigh in: 129 lbs.

Eaten today: 1 cup coffee w/ splash of skim. 25 calories

So today is a new day. This morning I walked a mile to pick up an electric typewriter and I'll be carrying it the 1.5 miles home from this coffee shop (yay wifi!). I'm stoked - I've always wanted a typewriter and now the free page on craigslist has provided. It almost makes up for the disappointment of still having my period. No wonder I was such a mess yesterday! Hormones, oy.

Tomorrow I have an interview to be a starbucks barista. Cross your fingers for me please! 

Unfortunately, tomorrow is also a C day. So, some relationship background: C and I have been dating off and on for about a year and half now. He's wonderful as hell & used to wrestle so he understands the obsession with weight and the restricting and even to some extent the purging. He's my rock here in Boston, because in February I took a leave of absence from college and moved here, knowing pretty much no one but him. Yikes, right? 

But in an attempt to foster my independence and to make sure I retain my own life I refuse to do that annoying thing where you spend every moment with your partner just because you can. Thus, C and I worked out a schedule [we're dorks and I color code my calendar. sue me.] where Wednesday night & the weekends are spent together. The weekends are our sort of domestic thing where we get to wake up together & do the crossword on Sunday, etc etc. & Wednesday nights are kind of like date nights -- fun acting our age times. Sounds great, doesn't it?

Unfortunately C is a very reformed wrestler and now eats relatively healthfully but still quite a lot, even for a normal person [I think]. And Wednesday nights tend to turn into dinner & ____ nights because he works a 9-5 gig and afterwards wants to cook. Don't get me wrong, I love cooking with C, I just don't want to eat it afterward.

And here's the bad part -- my ex [who I left for C, incidentally] who is a hard core martial artist, six pack, huge arms, the whole deal, is visiting me this weekend. He miiiight still be hung up on me a bit & he's one of my best friends. So while C helps me a lot with feeling comfortable eating small amounts so my metabolism doesn't just die on me, this ex [we'll call him P] does the exact reverse. When we dated he used to say things like "well if you want to loose that flab just eat a few more salads..." GRRRR! And it pisses me off, but I still want to look trim when he visits. Am I crazy?

/so much life drama

Day 3

F today. Seriously.

Well yesterday went down the tubes when my partner C invited me to dinner. I got dolled up & looked cute as hell if I do say so myself, but I ended up having to actually eat dinner. That triggered today.

Today: binging and purging since 9 this morning. I give up on today. It's water for me for several days to make up for it I think.

I hate my ED. I hate that it makes me a liar. Last night C and I had a talk about my weight/eating. He's very supportive of me - because he thinks I'm in recovery. Last night I fessed up about how little I've been eating lately & his response was hard to hear. He says he doesn't want a stick & that he's starting to get worried. He says he can see my ribs, that I'm beginning to get a six pack, and that he really doesn't want me to lose any more weight.

All of this is great, right? Except that as I was telling him that I appreciate his support and that I don't want to lose any more weight either all I could think of was if I could purge the dinner I ate with him (500 cal), if he would even notice another 10 lbs of loss, and how long it would be until I could use the flu excuse again for throwing up at his apartment. C has been the icing on the cake as far as getting my life back together lately goes -- moving to Boston, finding work, meeting new people, etc. and all I can think about is how I can get away with eating a whole cake and throwing it up

And I'm ashamed as hell to be proud that I lost another pound. 129 lbs, bitches.

Day 2

Weigh In: 130! I was up late dancing and chatting with PT lovelies, so it just goes to show, I was carrying around a lot of unnecessary water weight.

Eating @ 10 am: 1 cup tea w/ 1 tsp honey - 25 calories

 Headed to ice skate after church today so I'm feeling pretty good about today. 

& a quote in honor of Sunday, even though it's from the Talmud, and thus should have been shared on a Friday. Forgive my religious insensitivity! I just like the quote: "In eating a third of the stomach should be filled with food, a third with drink and the rest left empty"

I'm starting today off with the drink/empty part. We'll see if I get around to the third with food.

Day 1

 Blog name: comes from that wonderful quote "I've come too far to take orders from a cookie!" Unfortunately that's what I find myself doing far more often than I'd like

Fessing Up Time:

Measurements: 36/27/36
Height: 5'6
Highest Weight: 175
Lowest Weight: 121
Current Weight: 134

So this is my new blog, inspired by the lovely ladies over at PT (don't know where I'd be without you...). My name is Fox & I'm a 20 year old bulimic/EDNOS -- depending on what the scale says. I've been dealing with this for four years and I don't know how I'd cope without it. I've been in and out of recovery and now I'm definitely out. I'm not looking for judgment on how I choose to live my life but if you're here for the love, the laughs, the rants & the raves, then welcome to Orders From A Cookie.

Starting tomorrow I'll be posting AM weigh ins and cataloging what and when I eat. Here goes nothing...